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Happy Valentine’s Day

Here’s a wild idea. A really perverse, off-the-wall disruptor of a concept.

This Valentines Day, how about you… DON’T HAVE DINNER?

I know, cray cray right?

How could you forego the opportunity to go to some starched restaurant where the sickly hushed atmosphere is punctuated only by the slow trickle of two-above-house-red wine trickling into Lipstick-stained glasses? How could you miss the fun of rubbing your partner’s leg under the table so furiously he develops a rash, just in order to outdo the canoodlers at the table by the window? Would it be Valentine’s Day without the competitively collusive conversation, the rose petals on the tablecloth, the half-finished plates of scallops, the cringe-worthy pop of cheap champagne?

If the answer for you is no, then I invite you to take a firm grip on your mouse, move it over the X button and remove yourself from this website altogether.

For the rest of you, here’s how to do V Day without dinner but with far more satisfactory results:

1. Count the money you might have spent on a dinner out or, if you’re not as much of a feminist as me, count the money that he might have spent on it.

2. Use it to buy the following:
- Champagne (a 2004 Dom Perignon should do nicely)
- Caviar (packed with libido-boosting zinc)
- Maraschino cherries (strawberries are such a cliché and not even in     season so please, do your bit for global warming here)
- A St Andrew’s Cross (admittedly this might fall slightly outside your dinner budget but just in case you’d been planning on visiting El Bulli or somewhere of that ilk I thought I’d throw it in for good measure).

3. Strap yourself into your Agent Provocateurs, put on some Jill Scott and lay everything out on the table.

4. Lay yourself out on the table.

5. Hope that you’ve remembered to give him or her the key to the front door, then wait for the night to unfold.

It will be the best Valentine’s Day you’ve ever had.

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