Instruction and Advice for the Agent Provocateur Bride
By Ruth Smythers, Beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers & Miss AP, Beloved concubine of the sexual underworld
Herewith follows a guide to the wedding night, first written in 1894, and updated by Agent Provocateur for your bridal predilection.Ruth Smythers: On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life.
On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.
Miss AP: On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the main attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony.
On the negative side, many brides forget to ask their photographer to capture them in their bridal lingerie splendour before they don the gown. You’re probably looking your hottest ever, so DO get a pic.
AP: While wedding sex is at best earth-moving and at worse non-existent, the wise AP bride will know not to wait until the end of the night in order to make it happen, and will take matters into her own hands.
RS: The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage.
AP: The wise bride will instigate a minimum of two brief sexual experiences during the course of the wedding day. Straight after the ceremony in the rush of newlywed glee, and just before dinner before the champagne takes over.
RS: The wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body.
AP: The wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her in wedding Spanx. She should change into her full bridal regalia before revealing herself to him. This may take some time and guests might start wondering where the celeb couple have got to, but Aunt Mabel can wait. The Raphaella corset can’t.