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Mazzy

Miss AP’s Guide to Same Bikini Syndrome

It’s every girl’s worst nightmare.

You arrive onto the yacht dressed in the outfit you’ve been planning for months. This is the party of the summer. The hottest DJs, the loosest crowd. You’ve got your Celine wedges on (boat friendly), a shred of see-through nothingness to float in the breeze, and underneath, you’ve got your baddest man-eating Agent Provocateur bikini on.

Ass courtesy of boxing classes at Frame, tan courtesy of last month’s trip to Croatia.

Oh, you’re riding high alright. But just as you’re about to order a bottle of champagne IT HAPPENS. Like a thundercloud, she rumbles threateningly onto the boat. Sergio Rossi wedges, fluttery slip of nothingness, ass toned at Frame, and THE SAME man-eating Agent Provocateur bikini on underneath.

How to deal with this most nightmarish of situations? You could run and hide in the gully, crying into your Bellini, OR you can take the following steps:

1. Strip off. ASAP. Whatever little shred of see-through nothingness you’re wearing on top of your swimsuit, cast it off immediately, preferably while stood Titanic-style at the fore of the boat. Arms outstretched, dress whipping wildly in your hands. (Try not to let it fly off in the wind as this is not a favourable situation for the after party back on land.)

2. Network. Make your way around the entire boat like a butterfly on speed so that everyone you speak to will have seen you in the bikini first. (She’s still contemplating the Titanic stage).

3. Accessorise. Make friends with the nearest reveller and ask to borrow their pineapple sunglasses/PVC policeman’s hat/ cat’s ears/rubber ring and then work the hell out of them so much that the reveller lets you keep them. Fight for your right to party.

4. Dance dirty. Like, Iggy Azalea would blush dirty.

5. Finally, make friends with your nemesis. You’ve both had a few drinks by now, your guard is down and you’ve realised that two hot girls in the same bikini is actually a pretty good look. Smile for the cameras and rejoice in the fact that you have avoided a crisis with style, panache and sexiness.

And that photo of you and your new BFF? Definitely your new profile pic.

 

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