Ha! Have you seen the new rules for Ascot this year? Hats must cover the crown of your head; straps no less than an inch thick; dresses must all be ‘of modest length’.
Thirty new ‘Dress Code Assistants’ will be skulking around the periphery of the Royal Enclosure, tapping their hands gleefully with rulers and armed with stacks of pashminas to fling at any brazen little tart that dares to show more than the prescribed inch of clavicle.
I can’t wait. As a regular in the Royal Enclosure, I enjoy employing a certain amount of creativity when it comes to getting past the Great Troglodytes Of The Gate. Shoulders covered? Easy. Dresses must be knee length? No problem – but you didn’t mention that they couldn’t be transparent.
Stern dress codes are where an AP girl has the last laugh: she may conform with the length of her hem, she might have her heels measured to the exact millimetre on the ruler – but underneath, it’s an all-out riot. Silks and straps pulled taut; nipples pressing hard against barely-there black lace; knickers – should she want them – only just held up with slippery ribbons. And as for that ruler: an AP girl knows exactly how to put that to good use.
Which is why I’ll be wearing the Daena gown, belted with a semi-sheer slip underneath, only just outlining the lines of the Baby set and stockings playing peekaboo beneath.
After all, when you are at an event that involves exhilarating horse races, splendid animals, testosterone in spades and money flying every which way, surely you just want to horse around a bit?
Till next time,
Miss AP xx